Day 185 - Memories of Love

Hi guys! It's been a while since I last posted anything here. But I have been reading your notes, don't you worry. Thank you for the support. I actually have been thinking of topics that I might write about to drive more traffic to the site so I can reach out to more people. Well, I'll have that in the parking lot for now and I'll go ahead and tell you what have made me post something at 4:52 in the morning. Here goes.



I assume all of us have friends. I am not pertaining to just acquaintances. I am pertaining to long time friends, friends you grew up with and friends that you actually knew very well. Well, in my world, I have those people. I am lucky enough to have maintained a small circle of friends since I was 12, and still have them around me until now. It's been 10 years and we're still counting. Only a few of us are still in school, most have graduated and are taking their journey to their chosen careers. Still we manage to stay in touch and celebrate special events together.



So when you have been friends with certain people for a very long time, attraction is inevitable I guess. Especially if these people enjoy the same things as you do and know you more than most people do. I have a fair share of these attractions. But being the weird me, I don't take such feelings to the next level. Men in the closest to me are always branded as my "buddies", "brothers", "best friends" and with those branding, the comforting idea that I will always have them. No complications. No break ups.



Right at this moment though, I want to tell you one of my closest friends that I have been thinking about. So this guy never had a girlfriend ever. He's 22, now to start a good career as a certified public accountant and a good person. Well he usually teases all his friends, but that's who he is. The teaser. So we never had anything more than friendship going on between us, but he is special to me, just like all my special friends. I just realized that he trusts me though. Like a lot. He studied at a different city for his licensure examinations, but when he had this very serious problem, he texted me and wants to talk to me. He has always been like that but I never seem to notice. When he was about to have his training, I'm the only one he asked for help, and bought clothes and suits. It has always been that way since early college. When he was alone at school doing some duty, he would text me and treat me lunch just to accompany him. Before I had this boyfriend whom I almost give all my salary to and he was so outraged and was the "only" person who suggested he'd keep my money instead. At the early years of college, I used to teach him and encourage him to sing. He loves musicals,too but is too shy to pursue anything about it. He always teases me though, saying I'm not his type. Maybe he's just comfortable with me. That doesn't mean he likes me,right? There was a time in college when I really liked him but I pushed it out of my mind. I just remembered it now because my girl best friend asked me if I like him. Anyway, enough about him, or about us. For sure these thoughts are out of my mind in a few days. Right now, I will just enjoy being single. Enjoy life!


Till next time!

Day 145 - Decisions I have to make

Wow! 145 days actually mean I have been working on this love project 40% out of a year. What I mean is after 200 and a few more days, it will this project's anniversary. Will that be worth celebrating? I certainly hope it will be. 

Anyway, I'm too far that yet so I shouldn't be thinking much about it. I posted today to share my current dilemma. Here it goes. 

I have the choose among the following (or I could probably plan other ways). This time I'll be phishing for comments. Every comment will certainly be appreciated. (of the highest form,damon?haha)

Small Introduction:

- I still have a year to go for college (BS Business Administration, Major in Accounting). 

- I took the same subjects unfinished for like 3 semesters, 2 consecutive, worked in a call center for a year, went back to school then stopped

- I am currently breaking in the online writing world, my first project, a month-long one, for P1,200.  

- next school's semester will start at early November. 

CHOICES:

1) Continue School - Tuition to be shouldered by my aunt. Allowance? Not sure. Hmm, I don't think I'm thrifty enough to spend only $125 dollars every two months. My back pay (that's more than P10,000 [it should be. I'd burn my previous company to hell if it's any less than that.haha] will not come in the next 2-3 months [like that feels forever] so I need to make sure I have enough money for myself because I don't want to enroll and stop in the middle. 

2) Apply in another call center - This is lowest in my choices. I certainly feel the need to have my own money right now, and is currently reaping the seeds of not planning my resignation very well but I don't want to go to work in a time that I can be at home safely or during days that I could be celebrating holidays with my family. I want the New Year that I spent at work last year to be the lat New Year that I'll be doing at work. 

3) Take a few subjects and have a job - This is hard and I have proven it. I know some people can do it, but I don't think I can. Well at least while I'm refreshing with school again. This could easily be a win-win situation for me and my mom but could also be a lose-lose situation if not done well. It is highest in my choices. 

Considerations: 

- I will certainly continue writing. If I get more online projects, more on topics that interest me, I'm not the best yet but I want to better. Not a lot knows this (I mean, I think no one knows, only the people I grew up with, and with that I mean the children I play with and not my classmates and long time friends) but I started very early in writing. when I was very young, I love writing horror stories, that was first half of elementary years. I usually write morbid horror stories with drastic and bloody endings then I read them aloud (usually to my mom, she can take my weirdness, forced though,hahaha) and laugh so much about it. I don't know why I developed fascination with horror when I was young. I remember watching one horror movie with a girl friend and I was like laughing at the movie house most of the time, while she covered her face, horrified and screaming. (it's funny really. I'm not weird. I think I'm perfectly normal.haha) I want to preserve that part of me. the realization just came to me a few weeks ago, and I'm holding on to it. 

There. I might still come out with other plans and strategies but at the moment, those are my choices. I wish myself good luck. 

Do you have any dilemma's in your life right now? you can comment anonymously. I can listen and give advices. I'm good with that, ironic as it may seem, but it is true. 

Still, I wish us all a positive outlook in life, lots of luck and blessings with our endeavors. 

Day 126 - CHAPTER 3 - Independence

Hi guys. Hope you'll love this post. Sorry for the grammar lapses and pronunciation errors. I promise to be better (and to use a better camera once I buy a new one) next time.

Thank you. So excited for chapter 3..

Be independent and attract real love..

:D

Day 123 - Another love day

It's late and I am blogging. But I don't want to miss this chance to tell you the things that are running on my mind right now.

first one - that someone is courting me. Well, a few hours ago, I decided not to think about this anymore. Want to know why? Secret.haha

second one - an inspiration.

I know I put Jonathan Groff's image for this post. But (okay, I'll just discuss that inspiration that came to my mind).

I was reading a book and is watching the tv at the same time (i love multitasking,haha) when I came across this man on a documentary show. His discussion was about a reserved forest. And I just felt like that kind of man is very attractive. Then these random images came to my mind (sorry. My thoughts are really at random at the moment)

- My love and I in the forest. He is asking me about what do I really want to do in my life. Then I told him "I want to sing". And he gave me that smile that sweeps me off my feet every time, telling me how good my dream is and that it is achievable.

- all the moments I want to share with my love (where are you?haha)

* ruffling his hair. I think I'm always attracted to guys with the just-woke-up hair do because I have a constant longing of always playing with my man's hair. I love doing that. haha

* Sitting in the middle of the forest where he would ask me to marry him. Then I'll say "no". Let's try to be chaste for a year.hahaha weird idea!

* my man simply fetching me from the house whenever we need to go out and accompanying me back home

I wonder. I had all these boyfriends but I never felt the real courtship.

I want to be loved.

Do I want a boyfriend right now? I don't know. I'm not even interested with guys who try to date me but don't seem attractive for me.

Do I just want a man? Maybe. Because I'm constantly longing for some tender but strong arms that could hug me every time I feel weak. Might be God, a father, a brother or a friend.

I don't need a man really to make my life complete and happy right now. But I want a man that will love me and that I will love. Because I can't wait to feel that security. I can't wait to start spending my every day growing with a person that you choose to be your other half, your better half.

Love for me.

Love for the world.

Goodnignt!!

Day 114 - CHAPTER 2: More of me, More of Life

I was like in a therapy for days. I've been crying, looking at my past, identifying what I really want and what are my fears that kept me from getting what I want. To brighten my mood, I stripped the old pictures of my cork board and redesigned my vision board. Let the pictures speak for themselves.

one of the couples that I really respect and love. Their sweetness on cam and off cam is captivating. Judy Ann truly is a picture of a woman in love. Love it! Want to have the same joyous relationship as theirs. ( why did my vignette appeared to longer than it should be?haha)

6 Steps to being positive :)

-Create a positive playlist
-Make your own vision video
-Stop complaining
-Engage in happy hobbies
-Believe you will succeed
-Take the right steps to achieve your goal

My VISION BOARD!

again :)

Girls celebrate life.Girls take risks. Girls make you laugh.Girls are creative.Girls reinvent themselves.Girls speak their mind.

luxuries but definitely a must-have for me. Samsung Omnia II, Ipod touch and frequent getaways. :)

food trips and trips around the world. Who wouldn't love these?

Perform. <3

Have my man tell me this. wee!

The board does not summarize my whole being and longings. My faith and God is not there. I have a lot. But I certainly love this vision board. Hope you guys loved it. Expect more of who I am in the next posts. I promised right? :) In the next days - Job Hunting! :)

Love comes when I'm ready :)

Goodnight!

Day 109 - Intimacy, love, and conquering darkness

I was supposed to start this post about relationships and my ideals about these, but I can't help sharing what I just felt.

The walk from our kitchen to the bathroom is not that long. However, due to my recent research about the Illuminati, I gained this fear of the dark and I hate it. I can't really define Illuminati yet, I am at the middle of my research about it and I am certainly going to post my reactions on it one of these days (or months? c'mon. no way.) either here or in my tumble log. What I can say is that it scares me, all those songs and people associated to Satan because they want to control the world, and their one way to do it is through the music industry.

I can't go to our bathroom to turn on the lights. Know what I did? I took accountability. Yes, you heard it right. Some people might think that this is just something petty, but for me it's a start. Just a few days ago, I started reading Life Strategies by Phillip C. McGraw. One of the most important thing that will set me apart from people who don't do what works in life is to take accountability of what's happening to me, take responsibility. So if I stay afraid of the dark, blaming Illuminati for my fear will just give me disabilities. So I went to the fridge, drank water to calm myself and I walked to the bathroom saying why not turn off the lights? And I did it. First step. And I need to bring with me this attitude of responsibility to everything that will happen to me, everything that I will be doing from now on. (waa. Enough of the babble. Hope I did not bore you. Here's my post.)

Love making. Intimacy. Physical Affection. Kisses. Touching. Love, love, love. When I was young, I was like every little girl in the world. I would only want to be intimate and close to my only man, my future husband. But when I grew up and was exposed to different people and ideals, that thought of mine was tainted. Not that it no longer mattered to me. It does. It deeply matters to me until now. That is why there are times in my life that I loath myself for having different relationships, guy relationships. Sometimes I hate that I have kissed them and thought that our relationships will last when it's already rotten in the beginning. I was a love enthusiast. I still am. I am good in advising people. You call it my social mask, but people go to me for problems. And I honestly need those people. I feel special when I listen to other people. But just like what I have told in a previous post, we all have that one part in our life that we need to improve on. Unless, we will be perfect and will not have anything to improve about every day.

That is why I need to forgive one very important person in my life. I need to set that person free. I have to liberate myself. I am the person who can love and trust myself most.

So for my loyal readers. Here is a secret that I have kept for a long while. I still want it to be a secret. But I want to show myself that I wouldn't be afraid of this memory anymore.

A few months ago, Nightmare in Elm Street was redone. There was one part there that really made me cry. That part when the villain was caressing the lady protagonist, telling her that her mind might not like it, but her body does. That was the secret the lady's parents was trying to hide from her. That she was molested during her childhood. The trauma made her forget those memories. I have the same memory,too. With my very young mind then, I remember it as that only instance, so I believe that it only happened once. There. This is one of my million secrets.haha (hyperbole :P) But I shared it for this post as a sign that I trust my readers. No misjudging. Only acceptance and freedom. :D Freedom for me!

Let me share to you my prayer.

Papa. Hi. I love you. I come to you again. I now you've been listening to every conscious and unconscious thoughts I have the whole day. I'm sorry if I again, hurt you with some of those thoughts. But I know You as my father. And that You will always be with me.

I'm lost. Many times I'm weak. Some of those times afraid. But let me trust You more. Strengthen me Papa, every moment. I love you. And I know you understand. Lead me to the light. Lead me to the path where my heart will be happy, with You and my greatest desire. Enlighten me Papa. I love you. I love you. Thank You.

I own happiness. Now and Forever. :D

(very happy feeling. :D)

Some thoughts to share.

-On my next post, I will be opening the second chapter of my project. :)

-I will strive to write better and meaningful posts about my project ad I will study English. I want to be better! :)

See you my friends.

Feel free to share your thoughts. :)

Day 99 - Personal Therapy

Do you believe that everyone has their own mental issues? Well, that was an exaggeration but I do believe that everyone of us has something to fix about his own self.


So here I am. Fixing something about myself. I tell you this is an ongoing therapy. Once in a while I always have to talk to myself, separate myself from my therapist-self so that I can help myself (confusing?).



Do I have a perfect life right now? Well I don't. But deep inside,I'm happy. When I think of all the good things in my life, I can't force myself to be sad (which is one very good thing if I may say). I have been a mess and a waste for the past weeks, but I think all of those were a result of one thing -- cowardice. I'm a coward, yes I am. That's why I keep missing my classes. Because I cannot face the wrath of my teachers, I cannot face the hard examinations and the confusing seat works. I am a coward because I can't face the results of my sloth or simply the results of not being able to plan my days and my time right.

All of it WAS my fault.
But if the day has passed already, then it's a part of a PAST.


I can move on.
I can leave all those bad things behind.
Am I afraid to face every day? Yes I am.

But I want to be free.
I want to be strong. I am strong-willed. I can easily make up my mind. I can do a lot of things but I don't know why I'm hiding, hiding behind this coward mask, because this is not me.






Am I ready to move on?












I will make up my mind that I am ready. and everything will follow.


Godbless to all our endeavors.

Day 81 - Back on the Ball Game

hmm. I am happy. Definitely happy. I know there were bumps along the way (and sure there will be more bumps) but I'm gonna make sure that I'll be wiser. We should always be smarter that yesterday, right? Well, I have been crying for days. And I constantly talked to myself during those days. If I can be a very good adviser to others, I should also give that privilege to myself. And you know what, I was able to tell myself some reasonable reasons (haha). The only thing that I need is not the assurance that I will get from my teacher. I only need to prove to myself that I can conquer the fear of facing my teacher. Because all I really need is to snatch back that respect for myself with regard to studies that I am losing. Well guess what, i'm back on the game and my love tank is increasing. Love it! I'm so happy, happy, happy, happy. Looking forward to good days.

My life is not perfect. But who says I can't be happy? Life is not supposed to be perfect. Because you yourself will make your life better everyday. Room for improvement, room for achievement. wew. I am definitely a positive girl again. And even if I found out that the guy I liked likes another girl (after he just told me a few days ago that he misses me a lot and dreamed about me saying I love him), I'm still happy. I deserve much better than that. I deserve a love that will surpass the love I can give (demanding?haha). Well, my love tank's full. That's when you feel happy and lovable.

Eating cheese bread guys. Till my next post!

Day 75 - The Sandwich Technique

I have read somewhere that to put a negative situation to a positive light, you'll have to do the sandwich technique. Well, I'm just gonna do it now. And just like what I have posted on my raw and baby tumblr blog, the only way to let it go is to let it all out.

So here is my letting-out-to-let-go drama (the sandwich-technique way):

Note: I'll try to apply positivism even if it's not that positive. I want to arrange my thoughts.

Here it goes.

Maybe, just maybe, I have the world at my fingertips, but I just couldn't appreciate it. I might have made some not very good decisions in my life, but who cares? No one has made all the right choices in life right? I don't think happiness will be deep if you haven't honed it with some sadness, just as the cake would not be complete without the salt in it. (wow, did not even know I would think of that analogy) But let me, for the last time, pour out all the negativities I feel. To accept them. And forget them. Because after this post, I'm done. Done with all the self-pity and regrets. I'll be back on my feet, sober (not literally, I'm drunk - liquor of defeat) and live fully.

(deep breath - relaxation process - by the way I'm blogging at a convenience store near my workplace (Ministop). Can't bring Handre (my laptop) inside the company.)

I don't like my course. I don't really hate it, but I'm not loving it either. I think that the only reason why I was able to survive all the years of reviewing and making financial statements and analyzing financial situations is because I am with my friends -- celebrating when we pass, together when we struggle. But I definitely felt that my heart is really not in it, not even a bit of it, when I started the journey alone, an irregular student, no longer eligible for the CPA board exam unless I transfer university and take all my majors again. I just had enough. I stopped for a year, and tried to find the respect that I lost for myself through working, but I still feel the same when I came back. I still don't love it. I even liked it lesser than before, or simply hated it more. I will pay for every second of this semester I have enrolled, but I am not feeling any fulfillment at all. All I want is to ditch school and start all over again, with something that I really like to do. After the Arts (singing,dancing,theatre), psychology is what I love next. It's what I'm good at. My brain is composed of mostly female wiring (my brain's highly feminine),that is why I'm good at music and communication. Those are my greatest strengths. And I only feel happy when I'm performing or when I'm talking to people (well besides eating, which is something that most of people like doing).

But what would I do? I'm the eldest and I can't just drop school. Thousands of disappointments will haunt me, in all directions, some people even affected (or merely gossiping I assume) a lot. I can't just do what I want because I have my responsibilities to my family. Eldest child. whew

And how would I secure a good future for my own family someday if I'm not earning much. There is no money in theatre, but it has a lot of heart.

I hate all my fears.

Not being able to face some of my classes (ancient but recurring fear).

Committing myself to a relationship (well, that's not just my part. The other party should want to commit to of course)

Disappointing people (and myself mostly)

and a whole lot more. My own demons. (by the way, for me, demon/devil/monster or whatever the heck people call them is a VERY NEGATIVE FORCE that snatches your true desire. Not really the human form, with thorns and manly voice coming from some deep caves or whatever. Those are artistic displays of demons.

And I cry all mourn about these things lately, a lot. I sleep everywhere (literally) and I easily get bored with everything that I do. But since this is a sandwich technique, the bottom part of the sandwich should be positive.

I will finish accounting. A few months of strife and struggle is nothing, right. Strife and struggle come before success, even in the dictionary. Just one more year, and I can do everything that I want.

After this post is officially published, I will make every thing that I do thinking positively and enthusiastically.

I'll be forgetting what I have let out.

counting starts.

one

two

three

four

five

six

seven

eight

nine

ten

Another phase of my life has started -------- My Happy Transition. I'll be myself's bestfriend. And I know I hate promises, but this time, I am making the pact to myself. I.m going to earn myself's respect and love and trust. I'll conquer my fears and master myself. There is a lot in life to enjoy right. If I can advise other people of what to do, I should be able to do it with myself.

Ready?

I'm not sure.

But hey, there is no turning back. There is only the future that I have to face.

Positively, Enthusiastically.

Go Rachel, Go!!

So help me my God.