So here is my letting-out-to-let-go drama (the sandwich-technique way):
Note: I'll try to apply positivism even if it's not that positive. I want to arrange my thoughts.
Here it goes.
Maybe, just maybe, I have the world at my fingertips, but I just couldn't appreciate it. I might have made some not very good decisions in my life, but who cares? No one has made all the right choices in life right? I don't think happiness will be deep if you haven't honed it with some sadness, just as the cake would not be complete without the salt in it. (wow, did not even know I would think of that analogy) But let me, for the last time, pour out all the negativities I feel. To accept them. And forget them. Because after this post, I'm done. Done with all the self-pity and regrets. I'll be back on my feet, sober (not literally, I'm drunk - liquor of defeat) and live fully.
(deep breath - relaxation process - by the way I'm blogging at a convenience store near my workplace (Ministop). Can't bring Handre (my laptop) inside the company.)
I don't like my course. I don't really hate it, but I'm not loving it either. I think that the only reason why I was able to survive all the years of reviewing and making financial statements and analyzing financial situations is because I am with my friends -- celebrating when we pass, together when we struggle. But I definitely felt that my heart is really not in it, not even a bit of it, when I started the journey alone, an irregular student, no longer eligible for the CPA board exam unless I transfer university and take all my majors again. I just had enough. I stopped for a year, and tried to find the respect that I lost for myself through working, but I still feel the same when I came back. I still don't love it. I even liked it lesser than before, or simply hated it more. I will pay for every second of this semester I have enrolled, but I am not feeling any fulfillment at all. All I want is to ditch school and start all over again, with something that I really like to do. After the Arts (singing,dancing,theatre), psychology is what I love next. It's what I'm good at. My brain is composed of mostly female wiring (my brain's highly feminine),that is why I'm good at music and communication. Those are my greatest strengths. And I only feel happy when I'm performing or when I'm talking to people (well besides eating, which is something that most of people like doing).
But what would I do? I'm the eldest and I can't just drop school. Thousands of disappointments will haunt me, in all directions, some people even affected (or merely gossiping I assume) a lot. I can't just do what I want because I have my responsibilities to my family. Eldest child. whew
And how would I secure a good future for my own family someday if I'm not earning much. There is no money in theatre, but it has a lot of heart.
I hate all my fears.
Not being able to face some of my classes (ancient but recurring fear).
Committing myself to a relationship (well, that's not just my part. The other party should want to commit to of course)
Disappointing people (and myself mostly)
and a whole lot more. My own demons. (by the way, for me, demon/devil/monster or whatever the heck people call them is a VERY NEGATIVE FORCE that snatches your true desire. Not really the human form, with thorns and manly voice coming from some deep caves or whatever. Those are artistic displays of demons.
And I cry all mourn about these things lately, a lot. I sleep everywhere (literally) and I easily get bored with everything that I do. But since this is a sandwich technique, the bottom part of the sandwich should be positive.
I will finish accounting. A few months of strife and struggle is nothing, right. Strife and struggle come before success, even in the dictionary. Just one more year, and I can do everything that I want.
After this post is officially published, I will make every thing that I do thinking positively and enthusiastically.
I'll be forgetting what I have let out.
counting starts.
one
two
three
four
five
six
seven
eight
nine
ten
Another phase of my life has started -------- My Happy Transition. I'll be myself's bestfriend. And I know I hate promises, but this time, I am making the pact to myself. I.m going to earn myself's respect and love and trust. I'll conquer my fears and master myself. There is a lot in life to enjoy right. If I can advise other people of what to do, I should be able to do it with myself.
Ready?
I'm not sure.
But hey, there is no turning back. There is only the future that I have to face.
Positively, Enthusiastically.
Go Rachel, Go!!
So help me my God.
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