Day 145 - Decisions I have to make

Wow! 145 days actually mean I have been working on this love project 40% out of a year. What I mean is after 200 and a few more days, it will this project's anniversary. Will that be worth celebrating? I certainly hope it will be. 

Anyway, I'm too far that yet so I shouldn't be thinking much about it. I posted today to share my current dilemma. Here it goes. 

I have the choose among the following (or I could probably plan other ways). This time I'll be phishing for comments. Every comment will certainly be appreciated. (of the highest form,damon?haha)

Small Introduction:

- I still have a year to go for college (BS Business Administration, Major in Accounting). 

- I took the same subjects unfinished for like 3 semesters, 2 consecutive, worked in a call center for a year, went back to school then stopped

- I am currently breaking in the online writing world, my first project, a month-long one, for P1,200.  

- next school's semester will start at early November. 

CHOICES:

1) Continue School - Tuition to be shouldered by my aunt. Allowance? Not sure. Hmm, I don't think I'm thrifty enough to spend only $125 dollars every two months. My back pay (that's more than P10,000 [it should be. I'd burn my previous company to hell if it's any less than that.haha] will not come in the next 2-3 months [like that feels forever] so I need to make sure I have enough money for myself because I don't want to enroll and stop in the middle. 

2) Apply in another call center - This is lowest in my choices. I certainly feel the need to have my own money right now, and is currently reaping the seeds of not planning my resignation very well but I don't want to go to work in a time that I can be at home safely or during days that I could be celebrating holidays with my family. I want the New Year that I spent at work last year to be the lat New Year that I'll be doing at work. 

3) Take a few subjects and have a job - This is hard and I have proven it. I know some people can do it, but I don't think I can. Well at least while I'm refreshing with school again. This could easily be a win-win situation for me and my mom but could also be a lose-lose situation if not done well. It is highest in my choices. 

Considerations: 

- I will certainly continue writing. If I get more online projects, more on topics that interest me, I'm not the best yet but I want to better. Not a lot knows this (I mean, I think no one knows, only the people I grew up with, and with that I mean the children I play with and not my classmates and long time friends) but I started very early in writing. when I was very young, I love writing horror stories, that was first half of elementary years. I usually write morbid horror stories with drastic and bloody endings then I read them aloud (usually to my mom, she can take my weirdness, forced though,hahaha) and laugh so much about it. I don't know why I developed fascination with horror when I was young. I remember watching one horror movie with a girl friend and I was like laughing at the movie house most of the time, while she covered her face, horrified and screaming. (it's funny really. I'm not weird. I think I'm perfectly normal.haha) I want to preserve that part of me. the realization just came to me a few weeks ago, and I'm holding on to it. 

There. I might still come out with other plans and strategies but at the moment, those are my choices. I wish myself good luck. 

Do you have any dilemma's in your life right now? you can comment anonymously. I can listen and give advices. I'm good with that, ironic as it may seem, but it is true. 

Still, I wish us all a positive outlook in life, lots of luck and blessings with our endeavors. 

Day 134 - Speaking my Mind

Yes. Again, I am writing. Every time I write something for my blog, it ignites something in me. Yes. It is like every person who has his own diary. It's like a book of secrets, a personal world where you pour your heart out and speak your mind freely. I know what you're thinking. That idea comes to my mind every time that I post for my blog, for this blog. See, I'm not like the artists out there. The popular ones, the hot ones. Their blogs are read and reread by so many people. And they swoon on their posts. Out of curiosity, for criticism or may be as avid fans. I'm certainly not one of those. I am with those who openly write their emotions in their blogs, not knowing if anybody cares. (Well that is an exaggeration. Of course, some soul cares.) But here's the catch, we never quit blogging or in a positive context, we stay blogging. And I know one day, my blog will serve it's purpose. Right now, it is my diary. I rarely even talk about events of my every day life here. Most of the time, I talk about my feelings (yeah. I know. It is so girl). But I love. I love every minute of it. And when I look back, I am amazed, definitely proud of myself that I have put my thoughts into words. Not all people can do that. I believe it's a talent.

So what am I writing about today? I'm not sure really. I am supposed to write 10 more articles about fitness and health but here I am, watching the Vampire Diaries or typing my own diary. But this is different. It is very easy. Every time I post, I see a blank window where in I have to type something. Most of the time I have nothing specific to tell. Like what I am obviously doing right now. But in the end, I'll finish a near-to-a-novel post. Very lengthy. I guess every thing is like that. If you are doing something that is from your heart, it will come out naturally.

I know I am not doing enough right now. There is so much more I can push myself to do, but I choose to slack off. Maybe because I'm afraid. Truly I am. Every time that I think of my dream, I feel ecstatic but I let it just stay inside me. One thing I know. I can keep it hidden. But it will always be my heart's desire.

There. Just poured my heart out.

P.S.

Can't wait for the interviews.

Be blessed guys. :)

P.S.S

I forgot to share. I love him. More than a friend, different from a family. I love him. But I don't even think of having a relationship with him. Because what I feel for him is very different and very secure. We don't even have to go to that level. I know he loves me. And it's a love forever. :D

Day 126 - CHAPTER 3 - Independence

Hi guys. Hope you'll love this post. Sorry for the grammar lapses and pronunciation errors. I promise to be better (and to use a better camera once I buy a new one) next time.

Thank you. So excited for chapter 3..

Be independent and attract real love..

:D

Day 109 - Intimacy, love, and conquering darkness

I was supposed to start this post about relationships and my ideals about these, but I can't help sharing what I just felt.

The walk from our kitchen to the bathroom is not that long. However, due to my recent research about the Illuminati, I gained this fear of the dark and I hate it. I can't really define Illuminati yet, I am at the middle of my research about it and I am certainly going to post my reactions on it one of these days (or months? c'mon. no way.) either here or in my tumble log. What I can say is that it scares me, all those songs and people associated to Satan because they want to control the world, and their one way to do it is through the music industry.

I can't go to our bathroom to turn on the lights. Know what I did? I took accountability. Yes, you heard it right. Some people might think that this is just something petty, but for me it's a start. Just a few days ago, I started reading Life Strategies by Phillip C. McGraw. One of the most important thing that will set me apart from people who don't do what works in life is to take accountability of what's happening to me, take responsibility. So if I stay afraid of the dark, blaming Illuminati for my fear will just give me disabilities. So I went to the fridge, drank water to calm myself and I walked to the bathroom saying why not turn off the lights? And I did it. First step. And I need to bring with me this attitude of responsibility to everything that will happen to me, everything that I will be doing from now on. (waa. Enough of the babble. Hope I did not bore you. Here's my post.)

Love making. Intimacy. Physical Affection. Kisses. Touching. Love, love, love. When I was young, I was like every little girl in the world. I would only want to be intimate and close to my only man, my future husband. But when I grew up and was exposed to different people and ideals, that thought of mine was tainted. Not that it no longer mattered to me. It does. It deeply matters to me until now. That is why there are times in my life that I loath myself for having different relationships, guy relationships. Sometimes I hate that I have kissed them and thought that our relationships will last when it's already rotten in the beginning. I was a love enthusiast. I still am. I am good in advising people. You call it my social mask, but people go to me for problems. And I honestly need those people. I feel special when I listen to other people. But just like what I have told in a previous post, we all have that one part in our life that we need to improve on. Unless, we will be perfect and will not have anything to improve about every day.

That is why I need to forgive one very important person in my life. I need to set that person free. I have to liberate myself. I am the person who can love and trust myself most.

So for my loyal readers. Here is a secret that I have kept for a long while. I still want it to be a secret. But I want to show myself that I wouldn't be afraid of this memory anymore.

A few months ago, Nightmare in Elm Street was redone. There was one part there that really made me cry. That part when the villain was caressing the lady protagonist, telling her that her mind might not like it, but her body does. That was the secret the lady's parents was trying to hide from her. That she was molested during her childhood. The trauma made her forget those memories. I have the same memory,too. With my very young mind then, I remember it as that only instance, so I believe that it only happened once. There. This is one of my million secrets.haha (hyperbole :P) But I shared it for this post as a sign that I trust my readers. No misjudging. Only acceptance and freedom. :D Freedom for me!

Let me share to you my prayer.

Papa. Hi. I love you. I come to you again. I now you've been listening to every conscious and unconscious thoughts I have the whole day. I'm sorry if I again, hurt you with some of those thoughts. But I know You as my father. And that You will always be with me.

I'm lost. Many times I'm weak. Some of those times afraid. But let me trust You more. Strengthen me Papa, every moment. I love you. And I know you understand. Lead me to the light. Lead me to the path where my heart will be happy, with You and my greatest desire. Enlighten me Papa. I love you. I love you. Thank You.

I own happiness. Now and Forever. :D

(very happy feeling. :D)

Some thoughts to share.

-On my next post, I will be opening the second chapter of my project. :)

-I will strive to write better and meaningful posts about my project ad I will study English. I want to be better! :)

See you my friends.

Feel free to share your thoughts. :)

Day 105 - Love, Drunk and Good men

Found this video on one of the videos shared by s friend in Facebook. I can't explain it better than the song can. Please listen to Haven't met you yet (lyrics) by Michael Buble.

Sometimes, I loathe men. I don't deny the fact that I'm a feminist and have standards when it comes to boys I want to date (hey, it's a free country. Every girl deserves a man, a good man), but I really hate it when some men just play around. Hate 'em and the things they do. However, I have this one friend that I'll be featuring in this post. (to you, pay me! haha)

Arjal Bryan Altes, (Brent Ocampo in FB) is one of my good friends and co-member in our university's Theatre Guild Organization. He's a licensed engineer, an entrepreneur, a good and jolly person and definitely a part of my circle of friends that I'm very proud of. Just yesterday, he was an answered prayer. (well not really a prayer because I did not pray for it. Maybe unconsciously, but oh well. Why bother going to such explanations.) I was at a house party, co-worker and friend's birthday, Sheryl Mercado. We were celebrating it with her girlfriend and her siblings and her new friends, eating,laughing,drinking. I'm not sure why, (and this is very rare I tell you) but I got drunk just as the party's about to finish. Every one's planing to sleep at the house and they all are persuading me to do the same but I just don't want. I appreciated the offer so much, yet there are some things that I really want to avoid happening on evenings like that, so out of the blue, I sent an sms to Arjal. Luckily, he replied. He went to find the place, fetch me (he has his own car, but his house is not very near the place where I'm at. He was fast though) and allowed to have me stay at their house for the night. I only want to go home at our house when I'm sober. There, he offered me drinks (coffee or water, I had water) and I immediately fell into that deep slumber caused by alcohol. I woke up I was feeling sick (hungover), had lunch at their place, went to the mall then we parted ways.

My point? Well, I'm just happy that I have a guy friend that I can sleep beside with (and he can snore loudly and fart repeatedly and he's lucky I won't hate him,haha) and feel very safe. :D

There are still good men out there. Love, I will find you!

Day 99 - Personal Therapy

Do you believe that everyone has their own mental issues? Well, that was an exaggeration but I do believe that everyone of us has something to fix about his own self.


So here I am. Fixing something about myself. I tell you this is an ongoing therapy. Once in a while I always have to talk to myself, separate myself from my therapist-self so that I can help myself (confusing?).



Do I have a perfect life right now? Well I don't. But deep inside,I'm happy. When I think of all the good things in my life, I can't force myself to be sad (which is one very good thing if I may say). I have been a mess and a waste for the past weeks, but I think all of those were a result of one thing -- cowardice. I'm a coward, yes I am. That's why I keep missing my classes. Because I cannot face the wrath of my teachers, I cannot face the hard examinations and the confusing seat works. I am a coward because I can't face the results of my sloth or simply the results of not being able to plan my days and my time right.

All of it WAS my fault.
But if the day has passed already, then it's a part of a PAST.


I can move on.
I can leave all those bad things behind.
Am I afraid to face every day? Yes I am.

But I want to be free.
I want to be strong. I am strong-willed. I can easily make up my mind. I can do a lot of things but I don't know why I'm hiding, hiding behind this coward mask, because this is not me.






Am I ready to move on?












I will make up my mind that I am ready. and everything will follow.


Godbless to all our endeavors.

Day 90 - There are still good hearts out there

Today, I am posting some of the inspiring ideas that I was able to encounter a few weeks ago. Reading blogs and following other people about what they do is really fun specially when they do it for a cause - life and people.

In this post, I will be using pictures, posts coming from other people. You can go and follow them on your own. You'll love 'em.

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http://danisoul.typepad.com/

I already forgot how I came across her blog. All I remember was that I was impressed by her ideas and way of writing, and that I felt she is up to doing special things. And I followed her blog. Lately, she has done a very unique deed which I super loved. Here is the exact post: ( to Ms. Daniela Siegenthaler , I'll be reblogging your post, hope you don't mind. I really want to share what you have done to my friends and readers. Advance thanks!)

the wish tree: part two

i really didn't know what to expect after we left the wish tree that first day. would someone take down the sign and bag of tags for wishing? would anyone even find it? would people really do some wishing? i just couldn't predict or imagine, but knew that whatever took place next, it would be a journey of sorts. the first night i went back to the tree, there had been no wishes yet added to the ones faith and i had placed that monday. the tree is not directly off of any path, so it's not an obvious find. but the second time i returned, i was totally and wholly overcome by emotion, and felt a kind of magic unfolding:

Comments


oh yes! this is the magic wishing tree. and still...every time i hear more new wishes i get choked up with tears.

this is such a wonderful idea dani. you give people hope and a little magic in their lives by creating a written wish and hanging it on this beautiful tree.

i am convinced the tree feels all the good vibes coming from those wishes. well really we all do don't we?

Posted by: sazzy | 14 July 2010 at 23:16


oh dani! this is amazing, what you've started. all that energy of love and hope and belief, with somewhere to go. what an amazing peek into people's hearts right here "i wish she'd notice" and "i wish that someone special would come into my life"

all of this is so very good. you are inspiring me. and bringing me to tears (of happiness)

xo

Posted by: meredith winn | 15 July 2010 at 02:34


oh, how wonderful!!! such a happy feeling.

Posted by: jodi | 15 July 2010 at 07:42


oh, tearing up over here. I so love this project and am glad to see it grow. what a special place you have made.
I think I might like to try this in my little neck of the woods.
magic.

Posted by: vanessa | 15 July 2010 at 12:03


And yet again, your pictures turned out much lovelier than mine. *sighs* You've had more practice, I suppose. I love them so!

The tree really is a magical place, isn't it? *sighs* I love it there. Thanks so much for sharing the experience with little ol' me. :)

Love love.

Posted by: Faith | 15 July 2010 at 13:12


wow. just like all the people who have commented here, I too cried. Tears of joy and surprise. I was really impressed and inspired during part 1 of the wishing tree, but when I saw all the pictures for the part 2, I just realized there are still a lot of people with hope here in our world. So touching. Keep it up. I love your blog :)

Posted by: Shiva143vish | 15 July 2010 at 13:51


This is incredibly moving and beautiful. Thank you for doing it, and thank you for sharing it. Amazing....

Posted by: Anne | 15 July 2010 at 14:35


That is one of the most awesome things I have ever seen! I have chills and goosebumps and all kinds of good feelings now! What a great idea!

Posted by: Maegan | 15 July 2010 at 18:14


utterly and completely moving. thank you for sharing this.

Posted by: gonzomama | 15 July 2010 at 21:00

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http://twitter.com/PostSecrets

I just saw this account when my eyes fell on the recent tweets and I immediately followed it. Everytime I read all the tweets here, my heart's crushed. I feel weak that a lot of people are sad and lonely but at the same time it inspires me to do something worthwhile for other people. Here are some of the tweets.

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Isn't life just becomes lovely when you exhaust it helping and loving people? I hope to do such great things in my life. If each one of us has these kinds of thoughts, wouldn't the world be much,much happier?

Day 88 - Is Rejuvinating

I don't know how to put this, but these are the things that are currently happening to me.


- resigned at my call center job
- has many absences for school
- not so healthy




But I'm looking forward to REJUVENATIONS.



Here is the picture that's in my mind, when I'm at my lowest.



I'll be crying and running to my father (He is Papa God, not my biological father). I'll be crying hard, repeatedly saying, "I always try to be a good girl". And he'll just brush my hair with His hands and shower me with comfort telling me, "Then just continue trying. I love you just the same." Then I'll have the strength to face the days ahead because I know He will always be ready to accept me. My father will always love me and trust me to be a good daughter. Maybe I'm not close to that yet, or maybe I am. But one thing's for sure, He cares. Endlessly.





There. That made me more comfortable. Love tank half full. Growth capacity, always full.

Day 73 - Longing Inside

I always read about this - - unless you have a definite idea of what you like, nothing definite will happen.

hmm. At this point, when you are 21 years old and is working, not really a graduate yet, you are supposed to have that one big goal already,right? Well, that's what I'm supposed to accomplish within this week. To know what I really, really like. I just miss all the times that I am with my friends. I hate not being happy.

Here's the quote for the day:

The thing that counts most in the pursuit of happiness is choosing the right companion. Remember that a successful marriage depends on two things: finding the right person and being the right person.

My reaction? That's right. You can only find the right person when you are rightfully a person to be loved. And when will you know that you are of that state already? You are going to feel it. You cannot love unless you love yourself fully, or else you and you're partner will suffer the problems of insecurities and all that crap. whew. I really want to be that full person, ready for love. But I really have to work on myself first. Control myself. Control my time. Know what I really want in life. When I am that full person, then I'll attract the same person that is also full of love and security and we can choose if we want to be together. Sounds idealistic? Well, living in my world, I tell you, there are still a lot of the good men out there. Out here actually.

wew, I am having not the perfect day of my life, but I'm starting to feel good.

Goodluck to me.

I miss my father (not my biological father), but my Papa God.

Day 72 - too many things to talk about

There were just too many things that have happened today and I just want to blast this post with all those stories. haha here I go!

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Being absent for work - Finally, I was absent for a reasonable reason -- sickness. Well, I don't want to discuss this thoroughly. Self-medicate and go out with people you want to be with, that'll surely cure you. Oh yeah!

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Watching ECLIPSE - Well, some might say that the movie was not satisfactory, but I disagree. The movie was not exactly a bomb, but it sure is good. I've read the book and I am open to understand that the movie's treatment would be not exactly as the book is. C'mon, a movie will just run for more than an hour and you'll have to capture the book's message on that limited time. There should be some changes. Anyway, it was good and touching ('cause it captured my favorite topics - love, saving, and marriage, hahaha ). I cried ( I always do,right). I really have a thing for Jacob's situation. It's really hard to fight for a love that is not for you. wew.. But you'll be happy on the fourth movie, he'll find his true love. Just as we are all suppose to find, if we look the right way. :D

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Spending the day with Blest - Gosh! This was particulary the HIGHLIGHT. How many times have we planned and tried to go out and we just can't (because I'm working, she lives far away from me and spends most of her time with John. hahahaha kiddin' Blest!). And today was just the day. We watched the movie together, ate at Sbarro together (both of us first time) and exchanged endless stories. What's more fun than eating, oh, I mean catching up with a friend? haha (well, it's always fun to do this while eating of course. :D ). Can't express how happy I am. Take a look at some of the pix here.

Our ECLIPSE tickets with messages for each other at the back :)

Food trip at SBARRO, yum!

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Plans, Ideas, Whatever you wanna call 'em - While me and Blest were talking, we had some bizarre, crazy but fun ideas. We want to form "The 12 Disciples". haha! Seriously. It's not really the religious type, but it's a group of 12 people hangin' out together (who wants to pose for a modern version of The Last Supper and would want to write our own Bible). We will be writing Gospels according to our views and liking -- love, faith, passion, work or even nonsense which can make sense. waa ) This will happen, one day :)

A very fulfilling day. :)

But even if I am posting my everyday life encounter here, I don't want to deviate from this blog's main purpose. Again (for those who haven't read my first post) this is a project, of taking responsibility of finding my one true love. I'm still excited to see on what day he'll come into my life. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking and not just letting destiny come to me. I make that destiny. :)

So here'e something that will add to that "love" and finally "marriage" assignment.

Blest bought me a box of marriage quotes, and everyday I will pick one to feature here in my blog for me to ponder. Here's what I've got today:

Don't marry the person you think you can live with: marry only the individual you think you can live without.

-Dr. James C. Dobson

hmmm. Well, this is a pretty and sweet thought - living only with the one that you cannot resist not being a part of your life. And if I will think who can be that person right now, only my closest friends will qualify. And that's a bit hard. I find it hard to be in a relationship with a guy I have been friends with for a long time, I treasure them so much, and I'm afraid to lose them. But who knows? One day, I'll understand. By the way, I like someone right now. We have nothing serious as of the moment, but I do like him. Let's call him D. :D

That's it for now.

Gotta prepare for work. wew

Goodnight world!

Day 68 - 'the' Bliss

hmmm. That is definitely right. Right? If you follow your bliss, you will feel always happy and you will go on a path that you will always love.

Nothing more to say. :)

Day 66 - Thinking of Me

Here yea. I haven't updated my love project for months. I might be using this love project as my main blog as of the moment. So let's go on and discuss what I have been up to the past weeks.


I am going to gauge my love for certain areas of my life as of the moment. 5 hearts. 5 being the highest, 1 the lowest (of course). Let's begin.





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School Love - 1 star



Well, this is my blog and I am not going to fake it with myself. Yes, I am not loving school so much right now. I feel lonely, and today I just ditched all my subjects. (I attended one and there was no one in the classroom. tsk!)

I don't know if it's just the start of the irregular vibes but I'll cope up. soon :)


Quit fear Rachel!!



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Work Love - 3 stars
Just fair. I need my job because I'll be paying my tuition fee. I'll have to be very competitive. Top boxes, here I come!



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Passion Love - 5 stars

Everyday of my life, I grow hungry of theatre. And I think subconsciously, I get the satisfaction of that part of me evrytime I watch glee. And I watch glee everyday. LITERALLY. haha!


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Love Life Love - Confused

Sigh. I want him.












signing out

Day 3 - Accept the pain then throw it away

ive' been up, down, tryin' to get the feeling again
all around, tryin' to get the feelin again ...




(deep sigh)



I don't know. Maybe I am subconsciously sad though I'm trying to be happy. (Rachel! how can you be happy when you're listening to Duffy's I'm Scared?) But I would really want to attract positive things to my life. If I need to get over "you" I will, right now. I am supposed to be taking responsibility for finding the love of my life just as Bo Sanchez says on his books. Do we really need to acknowledge that we are hurting before we finally get over something that is making us extremely sad?

Okay, then I'll acknowledge it, so that I can finally throw it away. I'll just be posting my goodbye then in a few lines.


You made me feel love
Felt like I was home
Now all came to nothing
And I want to forget you

Is it easy to leave even our friendship?
You answer me.
Or I would rather not.
Some come and go.
Hope we can get past though this and be friends.


For now, goodbye.





(deep breath)

So now, I will banish every sadness. To be ready for another love, I need to have an open heart. Okay, let's divert this discussion then. I will tell you (yes you, who is reading my blog right now) what type of relationship I want right now.





I want to marry already. I want to finish school, to continue work and to fulfill my dreams in life knowing that I have that one person with me who will support and will be with me all the way. I know I have my family and very large circle of friends, and don't get me wrong. I really am lucky with all the people that I have attracted to my life. All of them have in so many ways brought the best in me. It's just that I know myself best. I grow and achieve best when I'm in love. And I am so past being single. I want to be in love. To be happily married. I don't care if I'm young. Id rather enjoy youth married, going out with friends with my husband, being in a lifetime courtship with him, planning all my life and future with him rather than spending it wondering who I'll spend my lifetime with. I want to start and live my life now with him. I now it's acary and weird for a lot of people. But try to think of it without all your prejudices for a few minutes. Isn't it the happiest feeling?

Day 2 - - 3 Love Stories

I just heard three love stories. I know that I really intend this project to be happy, but I do know that if I will stick to this as a REAL-to-LIFE project, i know negatives can't sometimes be avoided.

I just had to listen to three love stories. And the task is to learn from these stories.



Story 1
----

She is so in love. He is so in love. Then he gets in love with her bestfriend. Love and relationship dilemmas. They broke up and they all remained friends up to now. After two weeks, he and the best friend asked for her blessing, to allow their love to push through. She gave it. But they can't continue it. Unless they will accept all the negative things people around them and even people they love no to hurt or affect them.



Story 2
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She is so in love. He is so in love. She always cries. ALWAYS. He shouts at her when a lot of people are around. She is a martyr. Always paranoid and sad. She does love him. Him, maybe. Wrong way though for me. She tried to break free, he wouldn't give in.




Story 3
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my story. Not available.













Lessons?
hmm, I don't really know. Listening to stories of other people make you realize what you want n a relationship and if there are some things that you might be doing wrongly. What can you say about their stories. I do hope for goodness for them. I want happy stories to learn from next time.


And of course, I want my story not to just have a happy ending, because it's not always the end that justifies the means. I want a happy body for the story, The happy love story.